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The Too Bro Guide to Splitting the Bill
Nov
The Too Bro Guide to Splitting the Bill
Because nothing tests friendship like the check arriving.
You came here to vibe.
Not to do math that feels like the SATs but louder.
Let’s get into the survival guide.
1. The “I Only Had Water” Strategy
You ordered:
- Water
- Maybe a fry you stole off someone’s plate
The table: “Okay so it’s $47 each.”
Hold up.
You:
“I only consumed oxygen and friendship. I owe like $2.”
Stand your ground, king/queen/broke legend.
Justice is on your side.
2. The Strategic Bathroom Trip Method
As soon as you see the waiter walking over with the check:
Disappear.
Fade into the mist.
Slip into the shadow realm.
Teleport to the restroom like it’s Naruto.
Return only once:
- The card roulette is over
- The damage has been done
- The survivors are telling war stories
You:
“Damn, y’all paid already? Crazy.”
3. The Calculator App Hero
You take control.
You become Accountant Alpha.
You grab that bill and say:
“No one is getting scammed today.”
Then spend 7 minutes conducting:
- Calculus
- Military logistics
- International finance reforms
Everyone respects you.
Even though nobody wanted to do this.
4. Venmo and Run
You say:
“Just tell me what I owe.”
They say:
“Don’t worry about it.”
You worry about it, send $6, and log off like a ninja in the night.
Confidence is key.
Accuracy is optional.
5. The Group Chat Memory Wipe
If no one mentions it after 48 hours:
It never happened.
We move forward.
We heal.
We thrive.
The universe handles the balance.
Final Advice
You don’t need money to split the bill like a legend.
You need:
- Situational awareness
- Performance art skills
- And a deep commitment to the bit
Stay smooth.
Stay clever.
Stay Too Bro. 🫡🔥
